My first year of marriage is coming close to the beginning of my second. If you listen to advice from most people they say it’s your hardest. I’d have to say if this year is suppose to be the hardest then we must be pretty good at this marriage thing. I’m sure most of that has to do with God, our amazing communication with one another and our ability to laugh in most situations. To say there haven’t been any struggles would be a lie. But they aren’t struggles I was expecting. Honestly the hardest part of all this was losing my friends.
A huge part of my human nature is to have difficulty in making friends. I am extremely self-sufficient (not a good trait), I lack self-confidence (sometimes), I enjoy being comfortable, and I don’t like being tied down. As a result of my faults God intervened (as usual) and gave me some really amazing people in my life that made me be their friend, so-to-speak, despite my stubbornness. These people were my age, had similar interests, and I loved them dearly. They played a huge role in helping me to grow into the woman I needed to be so I could be capable as a wife. I had come from an abusive relationship that left me very wounded. They showed me that I didn’t have to work for their love and acceptance. I was encouraged and loved to no end. After some time of healing I was ready to live life again happily (keyword). Then I reignited an old friendship that led to knowing the man God had planned for me all along. And it was time to take the next step.
Being in a dating/engagement/marriage relationship changes how you manage your time. I had work, school, friends, and a husband-to-be to spend time with. I worked about 30hrs week at starbucks. My friends worked their as well. So in my mind I got to spend a lot of time with them. I understand hang-out-time and work-time are different, but it came to either spending time with my boyfriend or spending time with my friends (whom I saw almost everyday). I chose boyfriend. Keep in my mind I’m planning on marrying this man, which gave me even more of a reason to want to see him often. Because of my choice I left my friends feeling like I cared more about him than them. I’m sorry, but I did.
It’s so hard holding on to friends that are not moving in the same direction in life as you. I can’t explain to them, “I love you as much as before, but I can’t put as much of myself into this relationship, because my husband is more important”. I feel selfish.
My friends’ lives consist of things totally opposite of mine. They are doing what normal 20somethings are doing. Like school, dating different people, hanging out with friends, going to parties, doing everything possible while they are free(from marriage), and finding who they are. Well, I don’t have those desires. I know who I am and I found the one I will spend the rest of my life with. I want a home with kids and animals to take care of. Those two lifestyles just don’t mesh. As a result, I feel like the bad guy for growing out of that stage and leaving them behind.
I miss my friends dearly. I miss taking random camping trips, campfires, drinking tea late at night, going to waffle house and sipping coffee till dawn, complaining about work, hikes, watching movies till dawn,making fun of me at work for being the starbucks “grandma”. They are amazing memories and I will carry them with me forever. But our relationships can never be the same. I want to talk and go get coffee together to reminisce. But I can’t be expected to be available like before.
I guess I wanted to get this out because I want to stop feeling like all of this is a result of being a “bad friend”. I loved them then and I still do now and I hope they know it. It’s been a huge struggle for me not to feel wretched for not being as close to them as before. Is this just what happens as a part of marriage?